Today (June 24, 2024) marks one year since I had my last alcoholic drink. I have discussed two reasons, body and mind, in separate posts.

In this post, I focus on the spirit, the most important category both for reason and for results. However, unlike the first two posts where I listed sub-elements, here I must tell a story. Sit down, and take it in.

My Life Shattered

In late 1992 I experienced the worst hurt of my life. In an instant I saw my marriage end. I had married my college sweetheart, my best friend, my soulmate. I was totally in love with her, as happy as one can be. I absolutely adored her.

Saying I was devastated would be a severe understatement. I lost my identity, my purpose, my life. The angst was so powerful I couldn’t face the days.

I wanted to kill myself.

I wrote myself a note to convince myself not to commit suicide, knowing that it would get worse before it got better. That letter indeed did save my life not long after.

I went on a 30-something day drinking binge. The first couple of nights I stayed at a close friend’s place. The first night he stayed up with me all night, even though he had to work the next day, listening to me in my drunken sadness. Would I be here today without him? I’m not sure.

I lost a lot of weight. All I ate was salad, all I drank was beer and coffee. It was an effective weight loss diet, but I don’t recommend it. I think I dropped below 140 pounds.

I had been a regular partier for several years, but this was the point where I began regularly medicating myself with alcohol, using it as a crutch to deal with the pain. Even when I emerged from my initial shock and found days of sobriety again, whenever something would bother me, I would turn to my poison of choice, beer.

Forgiving, Not Forgetting

I did not realize that I had formed a habit of self-medicating though. I just thought, as I’m sure many others do, that I was just taking the edge off the pain.

But every time I thought of her, and it was (and continues to be, more on that in a bit) often, it stung. All those feelings that I suppressed with alcohol in that 30-plus day binge would surface. A few beers would dull the sharp, stabbing pain of the memories of what happened. A few more would kill it.

In the early 2000s we had a chance meeting that can only be accurately described as a divine intervention. She asked for forgiveness, and I replied, truthfully, that I had forgiven years earlier.

But forgetting is another story. I never forgot any aspect of our short time together. It was a foundational part of my life and helped build me into the person I am today. I believe there are very powerful reasons why our lives touched that I won’t go into detail here, but finding forgiveness on both sides was one of them.

I didn’t want to forget, yet remembering continued to bring stabs of pain. But post-June 24, 2023 (my last drink), I faced each memory when it hit with strength and will power. I won over the pain. I pushed it away. I did it all myself. Spock was my mentor.

Not a sustainable path.

A Test, and a Decision

Fast forward to September 2024. I returned to my college town (Buffalo, New York) to reunite with several fraternity brothers, most of whom I hadn’t seen or, for some, conversed with in over 30 years. If ever there was a test for my newfound (three month) sobriety, this was it.

It turned out to be a non-test. I enjoyed spending time with all of them at several bars and tailgating for a college football game, and I was the only non-drinker. It was like old times, except clearer, and with a cold glass of cranberry juice instead of beer in my hand.

But God knew my path was not sustainable, and that my arrogance was not justified. He tested me, and it was gut-wrenching.

The afternoon before heading out to meet up with friends, I decided to take a walk around the campus (my hotel was next door). As I walked the halls of the interconnected buildings, though, the memories came flooding back of things she and I used to do together. Meeting in Lockwood Library. Bagels and cream cheese in the breezeway. Greek life in Talbert. Notes left on windshields in parking lots.

I was walking the campus of the University of Buffalo in the same daze with the same, intense angst. It was literally as if 31 years had not passed. The pain felt as intense as it did that day when I wandered aimlessly in 1992 with no purpose and no hope.

I wanted a beer. No, I NEEDED a beer.

But I couldn’t do that. I knew God had been nudging me to quit drinking for some time. I saw the AFib warning as just one in an increasing escalation of messages that I had to stop turning to alcohol instead of Him.

And that is exactly what I did. I gave the pain of those memories to God in that moment, and I received His peace.

I can’t express how I felt, just to say that was another experience that showed me the trueness of God’s love. I had been able to deflect the pain of thoughts of her during the first three months of sobriety by relying on my inner strength. But here God put me in a situation where I HAD to face it directly, and I HAD to make a choice. I chose Him.

As to the pain of when thoughts of her emerge, that also has subsided. Thoughts still occur, and I’m not sure why. Maybe back then I had programmed myself to think of her often, all those days and, even worse, the lonely nights when all I wanted was her back. Maybe you never stop thinking about your first love. Regardless of the reason, I am glad that we both found love and happy lives again, that we are brother and sister in Christ, and that I am free from the chains of alcohol to deal with the pain, because I have given the pain to God.

That is the most powerful reason why I continue my sobriety trek, not just because of the physical or mental benefits, but because I was given the choice to repent, and I did. Repent is the correct word, as it is a sin for a believer to turn from God, which is what I was doing with my alcohol habit. We as Christ-followers are not called to be so part time; we are to live our life for Christ. Jesus is not just our Savior; Jesus is Lord of our lives.

Turning the pain over to God strengthened an already solid marriage. Vicki, my wife of 15 years, helped me in my faith journey. Without her, I may not had arrived at the point where I could give make that choice. Therefore, without her, I might have taken that drink to dull the pain in Buffalo. I believe there are very powerful reasons why our lives touched as well, and this is one of them.

Finally

If you’re struggling with alcohol, perhaps you realize you’re using it to medicate as I did or maybe it’s stronger, a physical addiction, and you want to seek help but don’t know how, the most important step is the first one, making a move. It can be any move: reaching out to a friend, a pastor, your spouse, and so on. You are not alone. Even in the darkest of lows, God walks with us. All we have to do is turn to Him.

Today (June 4) is my 57th birthday. I’m starting this year off much healthier all around than when I began my 57th orbit, as I took my last drink of alcohol June 24, 2023. 

There were reasons, of course, for giving up the habit, in three categories: body, mind, and spirit. In this three-part series, I discuss my reasons for and associated effects of quitting alcohol for each of these buckets. 

In part one, I discussed how alcohol affected my body and the resulting physical benefits. I also dived a bit deeper into my relationship history with alcohol. In this post, I focus on the mind.  

The Effects of Alcohol—The Mind 

For most of my decades-long dance with alcohol, particularly the latter part, my mind ill effects were confined to perceived increased productivity, perceived enhanced professional interaction, flirting with driving while intoxicated, and the wonderful experience of decompressing. The latter spans two buckets, mind and spirit, and was perhaps my biggest reason for the crutch of using alcohol. 

Productivity: I don’t know when I began the habit of working while at a bar. Perhaps it is rooted in my undergraduate days. In grad school (circa 2009) I would regularly work on my assignments while downing a few Sam Adams at an O’Charley’s on the route. More recently, later day typing on my laptop’s keyboard while downing a few pints at one of the local establishments near my office or at my desk taking advantage of Yingling on tap in the workspace café for the taking. 

Why was this predominant? I had convinced myself that I could enhance productivity in the latter half of the day by “lubricating my brain”, tired from the stress of the day. At least, that’s what I told myself. I believe now that any increase in productivity was minimal and fueled by the desire to give myself an excuse to drink. After all, if I was working, then it would be acceptable, right? 

However, in the grand scheme of things, overall productivity suffered. 

Professional Interaction: For my entire career, one constant has been the prevalence of alcohol at conferences and other vendor-funded events. It makes sense—after a long day of sessions, discussions with vendors, and walking, unwinding with colleagues with vendor-sponsored (i.e., free) drinks cam be a welcome event. 

I think many see me as an extrovert, but I consider myself an introvert. I find (or used to find, as I’ll touch on later) initiating discussions with peers intimidating. I think introverts given extrovert appearances is common. Alcohol is a natural inhibitor of that negative feeling, and I found that after a drink or two (usually beer, sometimes red wine, never hard alcohol), I was more willing to have an open discussion, and people seemed more willing to talk to me. 

Yet I can recall many times when I regretted saying something, caught in the buzz, or heard myself slurring a but, or feeling the glazed eye look, either from me or at me. None of this felt too professional. Well before I stopped drinking, I began to pull away from these events. I’d leave conferences before the booth crawl, decline vendor after-hours events, and not accept vendor-sponsored executive networking dinners, where for the price of two or three hours (plus travel time) I could interact with many of my CISO peers while learning about the sponsors product. All that while enjoying a great dinner, with drinks, of course. 

I need to stress, though, that I don’t see anything wrong with these events. I just preferred to distance myself from them, because I didn’t care for the drinking (or the late hours). I learned to adopt a whole different approach to these events, though. More on that shortly. 

Decompress: I’m going to touch more on this subject as part of part three of this series, spirit considerations. However, decompressing more immediately involved shutting down stress in my mind. 

In the middle of my career, I took a chance and accepted a position that proved to be in a toxic situation. I knew it was a mistake by the third month. While my previous position had yet to be filled, pride prevented me from asking for my job back. I was stuck in a terrible environment, and my morale (and health) suffered. 

Often, probably at least three of the five days of the work week, I would stop at some bar on the way home for at least a couple of pints. I had a few favorite watering holes, often dependent on distance from home and the need to de-stress. I don’t believe I was ever physically addicted to alcohol but those days my mind needed the drinks. They served as a firewall separating the ugliness of the day from the home’s sanctuary. 

Driving: I had learned to manage my drinking if I was going to drive later. Generally, for men, blood alcohol content (BAC) increases 0.2% for each 12-ounce regular beer (around 4% alcohol). The body metabolizes 0.2% per hour beginning after the first hour. Therefore, I could have four pints in 3 hours and legally be fine: 4 pints at 16 ounces each equates to 5.333 regular-sized (12 ounce) beers, which produces a calculated BAC of 0.67% (5.333 times 0.2%), then subtract the alcohol metabolized, 0.4% at 0.2% per hour, first hour excluded). This was below the legal limit of 0.8% with a decent margin. 

My decompress stops, therefore, involved time and drink calculations. At least mathematically, I would be below the legal limit. Some would call this rationalization. 

All of this is only playing with numbers while discounting the cumulative effect of alcohol. Impairment doesn’t suddenly go from nothing to significant at 0.8% BAC. Many times, I felt while driving my reaction time was reduced, but I rationalized the habit anyway, so long as I was “legal”. Thank God I didn’t get into an accident, or worse. 

Mind Changes 

My productivity vastly increased gradually the first month I was sober. I attributed this to better rest and more positive body chemistry overall. I found myself getting up earlier, until today I routinely wake up at 4:30 AM and am at the office at 6 AM (as I write this sentence, it’s 4:47 AM). I joke that I get more done by 9 AM than most complete in a day of work. That’s how productive I feel. 

The time before dawn is wonderful, filled with peaceful serenity that many do not regularly experience. I use it to clear my mind for the day’s tasks ahead. I’m blessed that each morning I get to look forward to a day of doing what I love to do, and I want to experience it as fully as possible. These days won’t last forever. 

Professionally, I enjoy the clarity of mind when interacting with colleagues and others. I was put to the test early on when I was invited to a reception welcoming the new dean of the Jones College of Business at Middle Tennessee State University last summer. I found myself next to the free drinks bar, a cold, droplet-covered bottle of Sam Adams on top of the portable mini-bar seemingly staring me down, but I did not flinch. That day, cranberry juice became my go-to at events where alcohol is prevalent. Of course, that eliminated any driving concerns as well. My only worry now is if an event is later, as I tend to start winding down by 8 PM since I wake so early. 

Most importantly, I am much less anxious nowadays. A significant part of this is the abstaining from alcohol, but improvements in diet and maintaining regular exercise play major roles. I find the need to decompress much less prevalent because of these changes. 

In part three, I’ll discuss the most important leg of this triad, the spiritual detriments from drinking and the changes abstinence have brought. While body and mind considerations were important and changes in those areas have been significant, it is my spiritual well-being that benefitted the most from this change.